My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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