A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
