my phone needs a breathalizer
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
