my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
