YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
