I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Where is the hickey?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
