Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I checked into jail on foursquare
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
