I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize