this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
