I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
