I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
