I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
