I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
