she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Hippo gnu deer
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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