my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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