3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
