The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
