i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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