you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
