Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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