So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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