i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
