I swear she didn't look like that last week.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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