i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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