I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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