What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
