my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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