When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
