Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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