I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
