I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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