I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Randomize
