I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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