We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
