now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
