I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
