Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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