I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize