I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
