I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
