when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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