I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
