like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
