Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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