Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
