My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize