it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
