Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
