Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
