Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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