I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's just like the Real World with babies
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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