Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
