I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
