A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I see more hoeing in ur future
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