He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
