I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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