i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
