Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
