Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
