the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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