I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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