If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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