I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
