If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
