She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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