Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
