I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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