Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
