And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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